We are excited and priveleged to announce that Ireland has recently topped the polls in a Europe-wide study of shoplifting figures, conducted by the Centre for Retail Research in Britain. "Certainly for the last two years, Ireland has been at or near the top of the table," Professor Joshua Bamfield announced. While we can proudly lay claim to this outstanding achievement, we must take measures to ensure that we do not fall victim to complacency as a nation. One promising detail seems to indicate that this will not be the case though, and that is the high level of retail staff and suppliers who are also stealing from the workplace. We would like to take this opportunity to unreservedly applaud and congratulate all those who have worked so hard to elevate the status of our small nation to such illustrious heights.
(We do not promote or encourage stealing from small or independently run businesses.)